Hello and good morning to everyone! I know I have been MIA for a few weeks but a lot has been happening. I was posting pretty regularly and then stopped. I know everyone loves following my progress with the Tiny House, but I'm having to put that on the back burner for a bit. Yes, I will still be working towards living in a tiny house, however, because of recent happenings it's going to take a bit longer than I had wanted it to.
See, what had happened was....
I admitted myself into the hospital. Why? Because I've been battling depression since I was around 12 years old. The age I first wanted to end my own life. That thought has stayed with me for most of my life. I turned 38 on the 22nd and I didn't even smile on my birthday. The depression was deep and never ending, and the thoughts got worse until I knew it was either time to go to the hospital or to the morgue. I'm not one to entertain thoughts without action. I had planned my own suicide.
When you realize how deep that hole goes you have a choice to make. I chose to respect my mother's fight. I chose to respect the children's right to grow up in a safe, stable environment. I chose to live.
I admitted myself in the hospital and was kept there for 7 days. I was diagnosed with Bi-polar depression and PTSD due to some things that happened in my childhood. I had amazing parents, they had their faults but none of this was their fault. Thinking back on my mother's mood swings, I am pretty sure I inherited this from her.
So I'm sure you have some questions, so I'm going to Q&A myself. lol.
1. How are you feeling now?
I'm feeling much better. With the 7 days I was away, I learned a lot about my condition. I'm trying to say I HAVE Bipolar and not that I AM Bipolar. I don't want this to define me. I am more than just manic depressive. I am on 4 different medications to treat my depression.
2. Do the medicines really work?
Yes they do. Not all the time, the thought still crosses once in a while, but it's fleeting and it doesn't dig it's claws into me until I find myself sobbing in the laundry room. It's there, then it's gone. The medication has given me the freedom to live my life without hating my every breath.
3. How did I not know you felt this way?
I'm good at faking it. I'm very good at deflecting and hiding my inner feelings. Most people who battle depression in this manner are. I use humor. If you thought I was funny or if you were around me when I was being sarcastic or throwing jokes, I was probably at my worse. It's okay if you didn't see it, I didn't want you to. That's why suicide is always so shocking when people do it. 90% of the time the person has become very adept at hiding their true self.
4. Who ARE you really then?
I'm me. I'm sarcastic, I love to laugh. I love to learn new things and I love to travel. I love to see the world, I love to hear people laugh, I love to eat, I love all my babies. I love YOU. I just tend to become anxious and very hard on myself. I'm the same me I always have been, I'm just now able to BE me and not some over exaggerated version.
5. What medications are you on?
Lamictal, Rexulti, Biopuprion, and
6. What about your tiny house?
Well...my medications are expensive and I work part time. So...I have to give up the things I want most. If you've followed me on this journey you know how upset I am at this but my health is more important at the moment. So, I have turned my tiny house over to my sister with the understanding that when I am able to I will take it back when I am able to. She will be using it for her own family to store things and so on. I am very sad that I had to make this decision, but it was for the best. I didn't want to ask people to help me make the payments.
7. I donated items/money/gift cards, what happened to that?
I used those gift cards and the money given to buy items for my tiny house and I will keep those items. I am not giving up my dream, I am just putting it away for now. I have to take care of business, before I can take care of business if that makes sense. I have all the electrical items, lighting, flooring, everything is still mine and it is all stacked up nicely in the corner of the tiny house waiting for me. I will not let this dream die, guys. I am just taking care of me at the moment.
8. What about your garden?
OMG, My garden has exploded and I will upload photos soon!
9. If you need to talk, you can talk to me.
Likewise. I know I'm not the only one who struggles. I know a lot of people do and keep silent. Don't. If you need help please seek it. From a dr, from a friend, from the internet, from me. I am here if YOU need help. I thank you for the offer of assistance and there may be a time where I do need you. Thank you.
And thank you to everyone for being so supportive of me. For understanding that sometimes things fall out of our control. I have a mental illness. Something hasn't been right inside of me for a long time, but I hope I'm on the right track to managing this issue instead of falling victim to it.
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